||[Dec. 13th, 2012|11:55 pm]
Drunk and wanting to text you so so bad. When I can't stand it anymore, I send it to that place I told you about. The place where I completely purge myself of you. Empty my soul of everything tormenting and pray it stays dormant for a while. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I miss you. So much. I know that is true, if nothing else. I'm trying to find comfort in the idea that we will end up together, no matter what, and no amount of tears or trials can change that. I think you feel that way too. It feels like we are both so set on this future, we refuse to acknowledge anything else as possibility. That's okay I guess...uncomfortably unhealthy, but okay. I just wish it was an option to talk to you. I took for granted the ability to be able to text you about absolutely nothing. Now I have so much news to share, and it feels like it falls on deaf ears. I tell everyone I can think of, except the one person I want to. No one responds in the way I imagine you would. Every interaction seems lackluster in comparison to anything with you. Discussing absolutely nothing with you has held more weight and excitement than anything I seem to talk about with anyone anymore. I understand I'm most likely creating this problem in my head, but the history is there to support it. Again, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore. This is actually the saddest thing on earth. Compiling a massive note to you that you will never see, just to get the feeling that I haven't completely lost communication with you. Like typing in this box and seeing your name makes us still attached in some way. |
I PRAYED for the universe to connect us the other night, in any way it could, and it didn't. No matter how much I begged, and how many tears I shed over it, I still was given no sign connecting me to you or telling me everything was okay. If you are as crazy as I am, and you do attempt ridiculous things like I do, I hope you've had better luck than me. But more than anything, I hope you've completely gotten over me and written me off as a self absorbed child. I hope you smile during the day and it doesn't make you think of me, and I hope you will be ready to open up when the person you deserve is right in front of you. I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to be yours, and I blew it. Now all I want is for you to feel the way you should. Happy and needed and loved. I wanted to make you feel all those things, but I didn't...even if it was all I ever planned on doing.
I am wasted, and I'm rambling, and it's definitely for the best that you don't see these anymore. I'm sorry I took you for granted, and I'm sorry I might not ever get to make it up to you.
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