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I feel like I'm trapped in a horrible nightmare that I had once, and… - A butterfly under the glass... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Mar. 1st, 2013|07:21 pm]
I feel like I'm trapped in a horrible nightmare that I had once, and hoped to never revisit. Just like the gut-wrenching feeling that overpowered me at dayglow, walking into setup for the Venetian Ball is flooding my body with the pain of remembering.

The last time I was here was the most crippling and intense panic attack I have ever had. One where I ran from everyone so they wouldn't see my legs give out from under me, and all I could hear was a high pitched, deafening silence. Like the ringing you still hear after a long night out, but louder than anything else I'd ever heard. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I wanted to run out and never turn around. But I didn't have that option. All of this occurred before 10am, and I was forced to spend the next 12 hours forcing a smile and pretending nothing happened. Remain as professional as possible when all I could think about doing was hurling myself out of the nearest window.

You had just told me to fuck off once and for all, and now I know what people mean when they say the earth crumbled in around them. I finally felt it. It was worse than anything I could ever imagine. And I'm back here now. It's horrible.